A relationship of any sort should not rely on labels.
Writer’s block. Tryna express my feelings as of late. Thoughts crammed and emotions unsettled… ..
It’s not worth dwelling on the things you didn’t do or could’ve done. Everybody has had their chances and not taken them. They’re are new opprutunities everyday, don’t dwell on one you missed, take it as a lesson learned and take the chances as they come, not as they’ve gone by.
One by one, I let what made me happiest become further from me. I’m afraid. I was the one in control. Could have said what I’ve waited so long to say, but I didn’t. Chance slipped away. I let my doubts get the best of me. I let myself believe there was already an end before there was ever a beginning. I’ve bottled up so many fucking emotions that I honestly don’t know what I’m dealing with. I wish I was capable of not worrying so damn much about my past but more of focusing on the present. I’m just afraid and tired of wasting my time for the same outcome. That’s the problem, I’m afraid of reliving my past, so the way I prevent it is by not allowing myself to be happy. I just regret not being able to confess to myself that feelings are feelings. I’m scared of admitting it. Not everything will work out, but as the saying goes: you never know unless you try. I’m my own enemy. I’ve been stopping myself. Fed up with my own bullshit. Last chance to turn myself around. I’m going to fucking express my thoughts and feelings. I’m the only one that matters, I never cared if people agreed with me, and I won’t start now. If I want something I have to put effort into having it. Here’s to finally being able to show my true colors.
Ugh. There’s so much going thru round and round inside my thoughts. This is the least of my worries but right now it seems so dynamic. Like, fuck. Things are said, things that make me doubt the way I’ve viewed things. It’s so hard, to choose whether to believe the truth that everybody tells you repeatedly or to believe in the irrational lie that you want to be true. I don’t even know. Do things for fun, but im getting burned.
The one on top’s the darkest for what holds it up takes away it’s light.
Today was the day it all clicked. You think only negative of me. I don’t recall anything from my childhood where you showed kindness or care towards me. You are very close in my heart, but in my life you are unnoticeable. You never bothered to ask me how my day was. How I am doing, how’s everything. The little things, I never got any of it. I sure hell deserved it. You don’t know anything about me, yet you think you are so entitled of your opinion on my life. You never took the time to figure me out. In your eyes, I will never be good enough. We’re supposed to be a team, all I know is that we are enemies. This topic always will be sensitive in my heart. Knowing that when asked about you I am a loss with words, I, myself, don’t know what I did wrong, if I did anything at all.
Wow. I hate sounding repetitive when I write, but the thoughts continue to flow. And this is for me, to look back on, knowing that even if there was nobody there to listen, I got some of it off my shoulders. I bottle things up, and this is a way of helping me release everything I’ve kept inside all these years. Takes time, nevertheless, I’m showing progress.
Right now, I’m weak, I’ve been so sad and depressed. I’m so used to being uptight, I need to get over the fact that I was hurt. I want to start giving people chances, stop judging others based on what I’ve experienced. I just don’t know if I can. I was raised to be strong, to know straight on that there are cruel individuals who will do anything to place you below them. Trust none, that’s how it’s always been, how it’ll always will be. There’s only a limited way of expressing myself, I’m not good at it. My motivation is me, solely, me. I’m lacking the type of relationships that makes me change my views, the ones that have good intentions, no matter how many times we manage to drown, they’re still willing to float back up with me. I want to be proven wrong……because this, this is not feeling right.
Placing things in the far back of my mind, emotion over emotion over emotion. Sadness upon sadness. I’m fucking tired. I’m greeted with constant disappointments bringing me back to the place where everything initially began. I’m dealing with emptiness. People surrounding me. People that genuinely only give a fuck about themselves. People like me, yet unlike me at all. I’ve never understood how I ended up this way, both emotionally and physically. But hey, here I am. This is apart of me. I’m living to die, ultimately, I’ll be rotting just like each and every one.
